I tried a number of times over the last few days to get my thoughts down, but I couldn’t seem to get things in my head to come together. Maybe it was because I was feeling so awful I wasn’t sure if the anger and frustration with cancer and chemo was distorting my thinking. I suppose I may have not wanted to say anything I would later regret.
Now that I am on the “other side” of my second FEC treatment, I think my feelings during the first couple of days after chemo were totally justified. It’s weird because when I’m in the midst of getting chemo, I’m not anxious or negative about the treatment. I’ve always felt my best and strongest on the night of chemo; I’ve felt most like me, and it doesn’t even cross my mind to think about what comes after chemo. It’s as if I’ve forgotten what chemo side effects feel like, what my worst moments are like. So every single time, I’ve headed off into another round of chemo with a smile on my face and an attitude of “this is no big deal.”
I’m not exactly sure what made this last round of chemo more memorable than all the preceding treatments, but it surely got my attention. The thing is, I went into this round expecting it to be the same as my first round of FEC. It was, however, not the same.
By Sunday morning, my lower intestines went from not working to coming back on the job in full force and then decided to do overtime – all the time. Additionally, I experienced my first go with chemo-related vomiting. I knew I had been lucky to avoid vomiting through thirteen rounds of chemo, but on round fourteen, I learned that vomiting actually helps relieve nausea even though it causes a very sore upper torso from all the muscles involved in the act.
Luckily, I slept more hours than I was awake on Sunday, but when I was awake, I remember thinking more times than once that the treatment for this disease is brutal and unforgiving. Things like, “How am I going to get through two more of these treatments?” “What if I have a recurrence and have to go through this again?!” At one point, with my head in my hands as I tried to quiet my body’s discomfort, I thought over and over again, “No one should have to go through this. There should be a cure for this disease.” I was frustrated and angry that I, that anybody, must go through this. I got to the point on Sunday evening that I felt my insides crying, “It shouldn’t be this hard to live.”
It’s Tuesday evening now, and I’m on the upswing. I know that what I’m going through is necessary and important in order to afford me the long life I expect to live. I’m at the point now that I’m wondering if chemo could be likened to the act of childbirth? The “delivery” is really tough, but once you’ve done it and you have in front of you a precious, new life, no significant memory of the discomfort and pain remains. I will count on this being the case.
Love, Lisa
-MESSAGES-
My arms are around you First of all, thank you for sharing the real you. You know you don't need to "protect" the rest of us from the difficult times you are experiencing and I (along with everyone else) want to know what's really going on and we appreciate your candor. Once again I must say, it is so hard to be far away from you at this time (thank goodness you have Nat and Ethan, and many loving friends and family). I have to tell you, when I read this, it reminded me of a time when I was at my wit's end and you held me while I sobbed my guts out. I have never forgotten how you comforted me through such a difficult time (and fed me Ben and Jerry's, of course!).
I truly wish I could be there for you right now, holding you and comforting you, as only good friends can do (Ok ,and husbands too). I so look forward to throwing my arms around you when I see you. My love to you, C.
A lump in my throat I was holding it together pretty good as I read your update until I got to the part about how living shouldn't be this hard. The lump is still there. I was so moved at how you compared it to childbirth. It makes me grieve for your own mother. She brought you into this world with all kinds of hopes and dreams. I know for a fact that one of them was not for you to have to go through this. If I'm feeling like I wish that I could somehow carry some of your pain for you, then I can only imagine the weight that all of this has on your whole family... and more importantly on your mom! Moms want to dry tears and stick band aids on bo bo's...not watch their daughter in pain and discomfort from chemo. All this to say, that a light bulb went on tonight with the depth of how cancer affects a whole family. I can't even begin to describe how honored I am to count myself as part of team Millenbah. My life is much richer for knowing and embracing the entire family! I am so humbled to be a part of your support system. A million hugs to my strong, insightful, passionate friend! M.
Wow. I just read your note. I actually just finished signing up for the race and saw your update. It really hit me how much you have been going thru--I don't know what is different from this note than the others but I really wish I could give you a big hug right now. I can't wait to see you next month, hang in there! Love, L.
Sunrise As I look out my window, I can see the sun rising above the trees as I think of you and how this is a BRAND NEW DAY for you. YOU CAN DO THIS. Love and prayers are with you, always...
Team Millenbah Update
Hello fellow Team Millenbah Members and Supporters!!
With one week to go, we are making a strong showing for the Houston Race for the Cure. It's not too late to join or support the team - or come out next Saturday morning and cheer us on. Lisa, Kelly and I want to thank everyone for their amazing support - not only for the Team, but for Lisa through her treatment. Looking forward to meeting everyone next weekend! Mary
Quick Stats:
Number of Participants: 21,741
Number of Teams: 1,009
Top Team Standings:
1 - MOC- Marathon Oil Corporation ($57,050.00)
2 - EHS- Episcopal High School ($37,518.00)
3 - BKD- BKD, LLP ($32,543.00)
4 - KIN- The Kinkaid School ($28,540.01)
5 - DWH- David Weekley Homes ($27,280.00)
6 - SJS- St. John's School Family ($26,381.00)
7 - RAC- Race Committee Team ($25,256.52)
8 - MOL- Molly's Posse ($21,775.00)
9 - TMB- Team Millenbah ($16,321.00)
10 - SHL- SHELL ($16,139.00)