FEC Days 6 & 7
The last two days have been comme ci comme ça. On Wednesday, I woke up feeling chipper, and by afternoon I was fading; while today, I woke up feeling wiped out, cratered by mid-morning and after a nap was in good enough shape for a gentle walk this evening. The days are getting easier as I move further away from treatment day, and that’s a relief.
But the thing is, these last several weeks feel so much more about cancer than the total number of months that I’ve been dealing with this. From extra tender fingers the last couple of weeks on Taxol, to recuperating from the side effects of FEC and Neulasta this last week, it seems that there’s been little opportunity for a break from cancer. My awareness of and attention to my situation is constantly on my mind, so much so I feel myself longing for a break. The problem is, I can’t figure out how to give myself a break.
Just when I began to feel some relief in my fingers and toes now that the Taxol regime has been completed, (a possible opportunity for a break), I noticed that at least two of my fingernail beds were weeping and unpleasant smelling. Although not painful or physically uncomfortable, I knew that ignoring the fingernail infection was unwise, so I put in a call to Dr. C. and was prescribed antibiotics.
Same sort of situation happened with my hair loss. Even though it is not and I doubt will ever be easy to see myself bald, I have gotten to the point where I can look at myself in the mirror and not notice my hairless head. But then there was last night when I was washing my face; I rinsed and looked hard at myself because something looked weird. Upon closer investigation, I realized that a patch of eyebrow had fallen out. This is evidence that the FEC is doing its job. Still, it caused me to pause and consider cancer once again. Soon I suspect, I’ll be eyebrowless, and that will be a new look to consider.
I’m hoping that as soon as the antibiotics take effect and I look past the bald spot in my eyebrows, I’ll find a small window of calm from cancer. I’d love to forget that my body and emotions have been ravaged by this disease and its treatment even if it’s for a small amount of time.
Love to all, Lisa
-MESSAGES-
Cranium! I still think that we should do the whole cranium picture painting thing while you've got the baldness going on. We could top it off with some funky eyebrow colors! We could color coordinate it with your earrings and outfits! This is the time in your life to do the things you wouldn't normally do (like eat Ben & Jerry's for dinner, paint your head, have purple eye brows, etc) because well...you know...you fill in the blank...!!!!! I love you dearly!! By the way, these are doctors orders: Round Top Cafe is open on Monday. If you are feeling stronger that day, then I hear them calling your name and Nat's name!!!! Doctor's orders!!!!!! Take a break from cancer and go eat pie! a million hugs! m.
She's Right Do what M. says. XXXX
Let's hear it for Ben & Jerry's! I have been receiving your Carepages for months and simply did not know what to say to you. Two things happened very recently to change all that. One, I just spent ten days in LA with my oldest friend who is coping with colon cancer and its aftermath - this convinced me that he and you and everyone else who's in this pickle needs to hear something more from their friends other than long embarrassed silences. Second, I so much enjoyed YOUR enjoyment of that B&J's ice cream! You know what? You're enjoying life!
I think about you, I feel I know you through your blog (and those of your friends), and I will now attempt to stay more in touch. I know this letter seems to be more about me than you, but there it is.
Love to Nat and Ethan. A bientot, T. B.
Friday hugs! Just wanted you to know we love you and miss you at work. My heart hurts that you are going through this. I don't know how to make it better, but I am praying for you and sending hugs your way.
Hello Sorry it's been a while since I have written. I have been reading all your messages and thinking about you, I guess I just haven't known what to write. I don't know any words of wisdom that you may not have heard already and I am sure you are getting plenty words of encouragement from all your friends. I guess I just want you to know I am thinking of you and I think you are doing a GREAT job of handling things! Love, L.
Weekend Just want to say "HELLO" and wish you and Nat a good weekend. Hope you can enjoy it. Hang in there. Love, A. J.
resilient woman I have been thinking about you and realizing how strong and resilient you are now and have been throughout this...it is inspiring for me and probably others. "Like the butterfly, I have the strength and the hope to believe in time I will emerge from my cocoon...transformed."
From Franki, Murry, and Cypress Mom: Sending you lots and lots of love. From your 3 favorite furry friends! F, M, and C (I couldn't resist! Had to try out the virtual gifts. Lots of love to you, Kelly)