FEC Day 3
Last night around 9:30, Nat and I fell into the car to drive me down to the clinic to get a shot of Neulasta. On the drive to the hospital, I felt my anxiety level rising about the upcoming shot I was going to get. I was also flooded with feelings of impatience and a deep-seated sadness about what my body’s been through. Plain and simple - I’m tired of being sick.
In fact, before my breast cancer drama started, I had zero issues with needles and shots. I never minded getting my blood drawn. But with all the poking and prodding these last several months, every needle stick is an association with cancer. I now look away, take deep breaths and if I can, hold off from crying until I make it back to the safety of our car.
Last night however, I didn’t make it to the car before falling apart. I was so tired, scared about how I might feel over the next few days and just “over” everything related to cancer, I couldn’t keep it together any longer. Being on the cancer treadmill for the last five months has been trying, and I think more than anything, I just want to take a break.
Once we were at home, I collapsed into bed and slept until about 6:30 this morning. I felt a little twinge of nausea when I first got out of bed, so I took some Zofran. Within just a little while, I was moving around the house easily, actually quite pleased with the way I was feeling. I cleaned the cat boxes, vacuumed a good portion of the house and got on my walking clothes and shoes.
I headed out the door around 9:00 but immediately noticed that I didn’t have the same spring in my step as usual. I was determined, at least, to give the walk a chance, knowing that at any point, I could either turn around and head back home or give Nat a call to come and pick me up. At about the half hour mark, I knew I couldn’t finish my usual route, so I cut my walk short and headed home. By the time I made it into the house, I knew that I had taken a turn for the worse.
It took all the energy I had left to peel off my wet clothes, get into the shower and throw on some fresh clothes afterwards. I headed out to the kitchen for a bowl of cottage cheese and applesauce, and within minutes after taking my last bite was sound asleep on the couch. I slept for a few hours, and by 1:00 I was wide awake counting down the hour and a half before I could take my next dose of Zofran.
Clearly nausea had set in, and the thrill of thinking that I might skirt by the nausea (based on how I felt yesterday) was a fleeting thought. It’s now just after 4:00 in the afternoon, and I’m having a hard time finding a comfortable spot to sit, stand or lay. At this point, I hope this is the worst I’ll feel because this is pretty much the pits. I'm going to give getting up and moving around a bit a try to see if that might bring some comfort. I'll check back again tomorrow.
Lots of love to all, Lisa
-MESSAGES-
One bad day You have been amazing- brave, strong, in touch with your feelings and determined to move forward. Days like yesterday are inevitable- but it's just one day. You are right this is the pits, but you can only do it one day at a time and let's hope tomorrow is a better day. Your are in our thoughts and prayers. C.
Loving Arms Of course you are feeling rotten and who could blame you for wanting out. What you need is a pair of warm loving arms around you. Perhaps today was as bad as it gets. Maybe not. But you can do this one day at a time because love counts and we all have a lot invested in your future. You will be well. Count on it. This is all just the storm before the calm.
Thinking of you I know it is hard, but the bad times will pass and you will be well again. Love, O. L.
profoundly moved I am a friend of Prue's. Have been following you, out of love for Prue. Now I am following you out of love for you. Sending you comfort and courage as the road gets tougher. Your Carepages journal helps me better understand what two of my best friends are going through. Thank you. Godspeed, B. K.
You are a wonder Hey, cut yourself some slack. :-) Vacuuming, cleaning cat boxes and going for a 30 min. walk in the Houston summer is a hell of a lot. I live outside Phoenix, and with zero humidity, that's about all I accomplish in a day. Seriously, you are brave and young. Having to deal with breast cancer is awful and no one your age should have to do that. It's ok to be angry and sad. I know you know all this, but really, it's OK. Allow yourself to be tired. Eat your cottage cheese and applesauce; love your kitties and your man. And remember, lots of people are pulling for you. With love, L.
Missing our walks I wish I had something funny to say... hummm let's see.. last time I spoke to you I was going to P.F. Changs... which was so yummy! (I managed to eat tofu lettuce wraps for you & they were delish!! (such a demanding request!) E. said that he wishes he had 4 arms(like the guy in Ben 10) so he could have 4 gwhale fwends (girlfriends) instead of 2. Spoken like a true gentlemen! I'm ready to walk whenever you are up for it. Thank you for having the energy to keep us posted. Love you & I miss our walks, M.
Thinking of you Today I send soothing energy as you slog through a low spot. With love, B. L.