Chewing On Electrical Cords Was A Sign

I have a sweet cat, Phoenix, who is a stress case especially when he’s scared or overstimulated. I’ve spent years working with veterinarians to lessen his anxiety, and I’ve got a pretty good routine with him plus some anti-anxiety meds on board, too. But there are just some days that are tougher for him than others.

Recently he was chewing on a plugged-in electrical cord; something he’s done for years - a sign that he’s uneasy. As soon as I notice this behavior, I distract him - a toy, a treat, second breakfast, petting, picking him out to look out a window together, but this time, as soon as I stopped interacting with him, he went right back to chewing on another plugged-in cord. During this latest electrical cord fixation, nothing I did was working, so I decided to head upstairs and lay down on our bed knowing Phoenix would follow - he tends be in close proximity of me most of the time. Right on my heels, he jumped up onto our bed, and as I settled down, so did he.

So as Phoenix and I laid on our bed, I starting wondering if the cord chewing was not so much about him but really more about me. Was he trying to tell me something? Maybe not literally, but I didn’t discount the possibility that he was picking up on my energy level - which on that day was anxious and agitated. And taking a cue from him, I decided to look inward. What was on my mind? What was bothering me?

For a good stretch of time, I’ve been trying to figure out how to manage my thoughts about cancer. Recently I was telling my oncology therapist about my on-going internal struggles with living with this new round of cancer. I described how I keep trying to tamp down my cancer thoughts because I don’t want to think about them “all the time.” But I can’t manage to do that because constantly trying to push down the thoughts means that ultimately I end up thinking about cancer more than I want.

When I finished explaining how I wanted to figure out a way to step away from cancer or not be faced with it “all the time,” she gently told me that she understood my desire to do what I was describing. She also recognized that it is very normal to want to wish that I could go back to life before cancer, to not think about it “all the time.” But in a situation like metastatic cancer or other life-changing diseases or situations, it’s just not possible to go back to life before ______. And then she suggested that instead of putting so much energy into making the thoughts go away, maybe I’d consider acceptance. Huh… Pause…. Process…. Wheels turning…

It’s not like the concept of acceptance is new to me, but I hadn’t thought about it related to cancer. Shouldn’t I fight against it? Wouldn’t acceptance mean giving in and giving up? But as we talked, I started to realize that acceptance might actually provide freedom and rest.

So after that session and then a few weeks of thinking about, trying to write about, and then trying it out, this is what I’ve got so far. Acceptance means knowing that I have cancer, and I cannot change or control that. It just is. As I’ve opened myself to the concept of acceptance, I am surprised by how much lighter I feel. I don’t feel as rushed and frenzied. I don’t feel like I’m wearing a gigantic clock around my neck listening to the loud ticking as it counts down time. Instead coming to terms with what cancer is and what I can do (or not do) about it, is causing me to refocus and prioritize. Energy that was being depleted by worry and anxiety is now channeled into more positive spaces. I like the idea of embracing the preciousness of life and how living makes me feel good. It means encouraging myself to do now rather than later, why not instead of why and today instead of some day.

I think it’s important to mention that because I’m working towards acceptance, I don’t take my diagnosis lightly; I’m not ignoring it. I still live with it everyday, and sometimes there are things that happen that are a bummer, but what seems to be changing is the prominence of anxiety-producing cancer thoughts. I feel more balanced, happier and light-hearted. And that feels really good for me!