Can't Sleep
It's 3:30 am, and I couldn’t sleep; or better yet, I couldn’t sleep well. Between trying to find a comfortable position in which to sleep (my right side isn’t yet discomfort-free and my drain system is still intact) and having a wild dream about getting dressed for our wedding (we're renewing our vows in Galveston - not really, and I've left my shoes at the house on the top shelf of the closet - nope, that didn’t happen, either), I decided to get up.
Yesterday morning marked my last appointment with Dr. Meric. Because I am finished with the surgical side of breast cancer, our time together concludes. Aside from checking to see how I’m healing, we talked a bit more about where I’m at and where I’m going next. She echoed Dr. Cristofanilli’s remarks about my prognosis – “high rate of recurrence,” but was quick to add that breast cancer research and treatment of breast cancer is continually refining, and that by the time I’m done with chemotherapy, radiation therapy and maybe by the time I’m in the midst of hormone therapy, there may be new and better treatment options that will keep the recurrence of cancer at bay. (There’s my glimmer of hope.)
I will miss working with Dr. Meric (I let her know so), but she reassured me that I was in excellent hands with Dr. Cristofanilli. That helped ease my mind about leaving her and moving over to working with him.
Over the last two days, and probably because both doctor’s appointments felt more sobering that I had hoped - that I am not out of the woods yet or maybe even ever – I cannot shake the words, “I cannot believe this is happening,” from my mind. I cannot believe how dramatically my life changed in what feels like a mere heartbeat. Bluntly, I hate that this is happening. I’m unsettled, scared and sad, and I’m scrambling to keep my insides from spilling out all over the place.
Clearly, I am tired, so instead of trying to think through my fingertips, I'll stop for now. I'm going to try crawling back into bed, see if once I fall asleep, I can get back to Galveston and find someone to drive to the house to get my shoes for our wedding.
Lots of love, Lisa
-MESSAGES-
Thursday Morning! Good Morning! The weather is cool this a.m. and feels so awesome outside. I was anxious to open my computer this a.m. and read your remarkable words. As I arrived at school, everyone is wearing PINK! It is pink out day today. Everywhere you look screams . . we love LISA! Our thoughts are with you daily. I know you miss all of the school issues . . not that we have many, but we miss LISA, the personality, around here! I do hope this day brings a sense of peace to you and that you can find some relaxation with your family. Love you! R.
Morning greetings. Good morning, Lisa. What a beautiful day after the storm! I can't say that I "enjoy" reading your page because of course I wish you weren't in the position to be writing these words at all, but just know that your friends, near and far, are comforted by your strength. I hope our messages give you comfort, too. I'll have to pass the word to our friends at Arnold about Thursday pink days--just a reminder to keep you in our prayers. C. (he's at school in Orlando)says hi, and even after all these years, YOU are still his favorite English teacher. And considering how he feels about English class, that's a real compliment! Take care.
I'm Coming to HOUSTON!!! Lisa! I am so excited to be heading to Houston tomorrow AM, is it tomorrow yet??? Can't wait to see you and hug you!! I hope you will be coming to the airport tomorrow - I'll meet you in the same spot as last Bat Time, Bat Channel. Lots and lots of love - Kelly
PS - I didn't fall asleep at 9pm, it was at least 915pm!! Max and Coz send their love too!
Happy wedding! Good morning Lisa. I'm thinking about you (as I do every day) and I'm sorry you are scared and sad. The unknown can be a scary place to be. I admire your candor and your perseverance; qualities I've always associated with you and loved about you. Don't let this cancer get the best of you. Since you were diagnosed, I have met many women who have been through breast cancer (it's almost surreal how they have popped up around me) and they have all conquered it, so I know you will too. I love you - C.
Peace You have a right to feel "blind-sided" by all that has happened to you. You've a right to feel scared. You've a right to feel anger and frustration. I hope that when you are alone (just you and God) that you are letting your emotions spill out. I hope that you can find the strength to leave all of your worries with God. Give them to Him. He alone can bring your heart peace. He can give you the strength to fight this battle. He can give you hope. You are not alone, even when you are by yourself. When you are having a great dream (like the one about Galveston and renewing your vows) and then you must awaken to your physical and mental pain, call on God to soothe you. In Him there is "peace which passes all understanding". My prayers are with you every day. Have a blessed day, Lisa.
You are a blessing Things have been so crazy, and it's been a while since I've checked your updates, so I'm taking a break from another grad school paper to see what's going on in your life. Of course, now I'm sitting here crying... You have the most amazing spirit. I know you are scared silly and who can blame you. I've lived with cancer through family members but cannot imagine what it must be like live with it personally. Put your faith in God and know that we all love you. Hugs, V.
Hello - Happy SUNDAY!
Today is such a beautiful day...I think we are going on another nature walk this afternoon. We try to go every weekend to the Cypress Creek Preserve. :)
I wear my pink breast cancer awareness bracelet every day and think of you each morning as I put it on. It is a great way to spread the word about breast cancer; I have a lot of people ask about it!
I am looking forward to reading more posts; I think I'm in withdrawal since you haven't posted in a couple of days! But it sounds as if you are busy - the good kind of busy! I hope you enjoy this weekend with your family.
Only 19 school days remain for the children. I still have trouble believing that the end is so near. As much as I am looking forward to summer, now that it's coming, I am starting to feel a little sad about leaving all my friends at Goodson for a few months.
Well, it's time to start running errands. As my Dad would say, "We're burning daylight!" Have a fantastic weekend! XOXO & lots of ****((((HUGS))))****
Thinking of you. I was thinking about you today, so I visited your Carepages. I read through your messages and I'm astounded at what you've endured, while maintaining such a positive outlook. I don't know what you're going through and I don't know that I would be as strong as you are if faced with the same challenge. I hope that you are right though, and this becomes just a blip in your very long and happy history. I haven't seen you or Nat since the wedding, but I remember how happy the both of you looked that day, and I'm wishing you a million more. All my hope and prayers, J.