2010 Update
It’s been a year since I last posted to my Carepages – which is a good sign. I’m well into my third year of being cancer-free and am gearing up to walk in my fourth consecutive Houston Komen Race for the Cure!!!
Over this past year, I’ve learned that even after treatment concludes, learning to live beyond it can be challenging.
In my case, I know that a recurrence is always a possibility. In December of 2009 the quarterly blood test I was getting showed a more than normal level in breast-cancer specific antigens. X-rays and a PET scan followed, and before I knew it, I got a phone call from oncology telling me that a spot was found on my right lung. Luckily, it was determined that no malignancy was present, and from here on out, the not-so-reliable blood test is something I will no longer endure.
I know that I am also at an increased risk of developing uterine/endometrial cancer because I’m taking Tamoxifen (which I take to prevent a breast cancer recurrence). Between last August and this past March, I’ve had three uterine biopsies due to irregular spotting – a possible sign that cancer is present. Luckily, there's no cancer, and because I’m still young, it appears that my body is instead trying to “right” itself and shift back to a pre- menopausal state.
Additionally, I realize that the emotional post-cancer landscape is sprinkled with hills and valleys. To fully recuperate and recover from all that I had been through, I decided – with tremendous personal and professional support – to resign this past December from my job.
As much as I tried, I could not shake constant fatigue – which I believe was due to the fact that I was carrying unclaimed baggage from my experience with cancer. While I was quite transparent and forthcoming during the peak times of my diagnosis and treatment, I realize now that I was more detached from what I was going through than I thought. I believe that because I was thrust so quickly into the midst of cancer, I did what was needed to get through it – I was in survival mode. Clearly, there were times in the first year when I was surprised or scared or overwhelmed, but those moments were just that – brief blips on the radar that were overshadowed by the need to get through the cancer-treatment itinerary.
Over the last several months, I’ve been working hard at figuring out ALL my feelings about having had cancer and about what it all means to me. As I lay in savasana pose (which ironically translates to corpse or death pose) in yoga classes, I’ve dissolved into tears. I later learned that it’s entirely possible that my body is working through emotions that have been harbored in my body.
Before falling asleep one night a few months ago, suddenly I was saying to myself, “Holy S#@t, my body’s been through a lot!!!” It was as if at that very moment, I finally really “got” that surgery, chemo, radiation, etc. had wreaked havoc on my body.
More often than not, I find myself in conflict. I am irritated that for the rest of my life I will have to be mindful of my right arm so as not to cause unnecessary (and unwanted) swelling due to lymphedema (from lymph node dissection). In the same breath though, I consider the alternative and then count my lucky stars.
I feel sad that Nat and I were thrust into dealing with a catastrophic illness so early in our marriage. On the other hand, Nat and I know each other in ways I could not have predicted. We quickly attained a level of trust that is treasured.
Sometimes I find myself in “pusher” mode – pulled up by the bootstraps, dusted off and reminded that I can do anything, “Heck, I survived cancer!” Other times my nurturer steps forward and comforts me – especially when I feel grief-stricken, sad or uncomfortable.
I know that there’s more to surviving cancer than getting through the initial treatment and recovery. It’s about creating a new “normal,” putting the whole experience into perspective and taking time to heal.
I wish I could be convinced that I will never have a cancer do-over, but until a cure for this disease is found, I know there’s always a possibility.
Your continued support means a great deal to me. Lisa
-MESSAGES-
Lisa you are a special woman. L. B.
I am thanking God that you remain cancer free! Since your bout with cancer, I was diagnosed with breast lymphoma...went through chemo and radiation...lost my hair and all that "fun" stuff. :-) I, too, found out that I did not REALLY deal with the cancer until later. I am thrilled to remain cancer free however....nearly two years! Am happy to see that you are doing the Komen Race for the Cure. I did the cancer walk in Wisconsin Rapids for years before my actual diagnosis, but now it has even more meaning for me! God Bless...J. H.
How wonderful to hear from you! I am so glad to hear that you remain cancer free - God really does hear and answer our prayers! Continue to take care of yourself. Life is a journey and the way to go forward is one step at a time. Continued love and prayers are coming your way! Love ya! M.
I think of you so often, Lisa...especially during my time up north this summer in Iowa and Michigan :) Love ya, M.
Great recap of the year. You are so amazing... and you write SO well.. xxxxxx plr
You are a wonderful, open, brave lady. I read every word you wrote, and found it so thoughtful, gracious, honest. Well, I like that you are getting on with the task of living with *and* living past. I am glad you're practicing yoga, and glad to hear from you. Let me know when next you are in AA -- a coffee or a lunch or a something. Meantime, walk happy this 4th time around... you've earned it and then some. Love, m.
Hi there Dear Girl: It is so nice to hear from you. Glad to hear you are doing the Komen again. I am glad you feel that great. I am glad for your update. You are and have been in my prayers and I will continue to keep you there and any word from you will be so welcome. > This weekend they have a big Komen race in Wausau. I am sure it will make a big difference. You do such good work!!!! Take care of yourself and hope to see you sometime soon!!! Lots of Love and Prayers!!! A.S. (and U.JR too!!!)
I would like to taking writing classes from you! Thank you for you for letting us into your life in such a beautiful way. It is great to hear you are cancer free! A year after I had a baby pass away, I too broke down in a yoga class. What a humbling experience to say the least. It is so strange how our bodies store the grief that we cannot handle. Please also send our love to Nat and E. Love, S., J., L., M. and K.
I love my sister!!!
You are special. Dad
You are an amazing woman, Lisa. During this recuperative stage of learning about yourself, do consider writing a book regarding these experiences - in fact several books broken up in these various phases. They would not only help you heal, but definitely would allow other people going through similar stages to understand that they are not alone. Love you, D.
Lisa you are a brave and wonderful role model for cancer survivors and their families, thanks so much for you honest comments with love from M. and T.(cancer survivor)
Beautifully done ----- beautiful you!!! Mom
How I admire your wisdom and spirit. It's so good to know you are doing well, even with the continuing challenges of fatigue and coming to grips with what you have gone through with this illness. We are so happy to support you in your walk for the cure. Sending love, j. and k.
Hi Lisa. I am in tears reading this journal entry. You have summed up everything I've been feeling over the past couple of months with my breast cancer. I wish you continued health and happiness and most of all STRENGTH. Hopefully my final treatment will be January 2011 when I complete my Herceptin. My follow-up mammo from all of this is 12/1 the same day I was diagnosed last year. If all is ok, I am getting on the phone to plan our trip to Disney World that we had to cancel last year. Hugs to you and take care. S. G.